Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
