This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
We need to get me chipped asap
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
