I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
