The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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