if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
