How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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