I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize