She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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