all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
