There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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