Jerry, you need to find god
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
