Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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