Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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