Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
