u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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