I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
