There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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