my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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