Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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