awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm too high and old for this...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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