I think im going to throw up on grandma
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
