I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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