did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I love how my cats smell like pot.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
