i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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