Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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