I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
