the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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