I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
