Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
