just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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