i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
