there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
