Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Randomize
