I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
