happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize