When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
