Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
