having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
