well you can't waste a boner
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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