does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
