She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
