I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
