I hate all girls vehemently.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize