So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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