I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
