So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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