In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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