the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Drunk is not a location!
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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