And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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