I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
