Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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