I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
