The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
