I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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