I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
