U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
