you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
