Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
My ass is underappreciated
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize
